The dark
This would be the moment where I try to write something clear, astute and earnest that explains my long absence. But in my silence I have been to depths I didn’t know it was possible for a human being to breathe in and somehow broke the surface to come back up in. Going forwards I will continue to share what I have experienced because that is what makes us human on this blue orb at this time: experiences and being vulnerable with each other.
Long and short: I separated in summer 2022; the divorce was finalized in 2023 and so have spent the last few years unpacking everything we were and I was. Healing is not linear. I learned about terms like betrayal trauma. That abuse does not have to be physical to completely change the chemistry of your brain and how you navigate life. That emotional, psychological, financial, sexual coercion, power and control are all the same. We draw lines. We make some things more heavy than others, but if you find yourself a wraith of who you once were, entangled and without a true sense of safety, then it is all the same.
Lighthouse
In the early days of the split, I dreamt I was in the middle of the ocean. The water was dark and choppy and I was drowning. I looked down and just saw black. My head bobbed back up and I could see the tiniest glimmer of light and knew it was the shore. All I wanted was to reach it. My eyes locked in, I swam out of a rip tide and straight to the shingle, sandy shore. It looked like any other lighthouse, but I knew it was the safest place I would ever be in.
Today, I am in a new space with our two children. I still study and blend herbs. I study the stars and planets; I find the connection with plants and our bodies. A few years ago, my herbal instructor and mentor showed me plants are the greatest teacher. They learn how to adapt and survive whatever life and we humans throw at them. They don’t just survive; they thrive; the nourish; they grow. They start over.
So, Olea Apothecary continues to be that for me. A way to navigate life as a survivor, a mother, a black woman, an immigrant and more. May it be it where you find yourself, too.
Olea Apothecary 